Nostalgia. No heavy words can describe the word nostalgia.
The sentimental feeling of wanting to return to something or the wishful yearning for some time you want to re-live again. “Nostalgia is proof you are living a life to be proud of. What a privilege to be able to yearn for your own memories.”
Nostalgia is delicate, it feels calm. In Greek, “nostalgia” literally means “the pain from an old wound” From what I believe, nostalgia is just like a sting in your heart far more powerful than a small memory alone, and yet memories are the most precious things we will ever have.
Myself Aava- a normal teenager, perhaps no one special- current life a mess while the nostalgia keeps on haunting me. That day. The month of July. The day they took my sister away. The day I lost my sister. The day I lost the house. The day I lost myself. In fact my world ended when my sister died.
I hate those nights. Those nights where it all hits me that my sister isn’t here and that I miss her so much. I hate when someone asks me how many siblings I have,like what do you mean I lost my sister on a random Friday-end July. I hate when people ask me why I am always sleeping- my sister is still alive in my dreams. Nothing in life will prepare you for the loss of a sibling. I hate the guilt I feel for laughing and smiling when I can’t anymore. I hate the fact that I had an older sister and now I hate to face the day I become older than her. I hate when someone asks me about my sister but I can’t talk about her without my eyes watering.
My usual night routine, brushing my teeth, binge watching my favorite tv shows and getting all sad and heartbroken- when suddenly I heard my sister. Legit. How could I possibly mistake my sister in all my realness? She called out my name. I was trembling- and my whole body was sore with my hands shaking. “ didi? “ I called out with my voice cracking. I couldn’t tell if I was dreaming or not. But still I could not erase the fact that my sister was right in front of me. She started to talk to me in a casual manner like we always did. She probably didn’t know she was dead. After all, how could one behave so brightly while knowing of one’s death? ‘ i dont know if this is real or not but I cannot let myself bring up her death.’
After a few chats.
She suddenly asked me what was wrong. She never asked me that in my entire life. Why now? “ I know something is up. Dont lie. “ I am fine. Im telling the truth!”
I don’t think I will ever stop grieving over my sister. She never got to see me grow up. I always think of how life would be if she was still here. I feel like we would be best friends.
“I know I am dead.” These words hit the bottem of my heart. How could she say that. Oh dear didi, I cannot imagine how much you have suffered. You carried all the pain, all the decisions that our parents had to make instead at such a young age, you took wonderful care of me and made me feel seen and heard, you took care of my education and basically provided me a shelter. You truly are my role model. Oh didi…
Aava?
After you went. After you went away I got taken to the center. Everyone there was mean. I didn’t make any new friends, I didn’t socialize with anyone. Everywhere I went, I saw you. I saw us. Oh, nostalgia.
Maybe nostalgia is the only home I get. Well after you…
It went bad to worse. I don’t even know the reason to live. I failed all my classes. I am basically going to get kicked out of this shelter at my age, Honestly… I think about leaving my life and visiting you up there. The real you. We will finally have a happy end right?
Don’t you dare. Don’t you dare even think about that. To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people exist, and that is all. We all have stories. Maybe mine just came to an end quickly. We never know what is going to happen. Tomorrow is never going to happen. Please, for me, for the sake of your didi, Please don’t waste your days. We should live life to the fullest and not regret anything we have done in the past. You can’t change the fact that my story came to an end, but you can change yours. This is my last wish. I hope you all the best. I love you Ava.
I…I… In a flash she was gone- nowhere to be found. I am going to be happy. For my didi. For myself. I am going to cherish all the memories we share. The memories that will last forever, the memories that I can never experience again. That is what makes life so sweat. In the end we will all become stories.
Nostalgia is my favourite word
